stand back up

"Stand back up" is a song by the band Sugarland. I really love the song. It talks about getting back up after you've been hurt, abused...No matter what, standing back up ready to take what lies ahead. My favorite line in the song says "If what don't kill you, makes you stronger then when I take my last breath thats when I'll just give up"... And that strikes a chord within me... I think its because it inspires me to keep on fighting. the fight, even when I think I'm at the end of my rope. The experience of being sexually assaulted is horrid enough on its own, but there's something much worse than the experience itself., Its called the aftermath. And I don't know why, I mean I can't explain anything, other than my life stopped in those moments . And every minute afterwards, until about a year ago is hazy... I mean, its not like I don't have memories of the time in between. But its as if, they are up above me floating in a thick fog. Giving the illusion that if I tried really hard and jumped on my tippy toes, I could catch them by the tail and everything would be clear again...
There were times when I felt like an emotionless void, I felt nothing, I didn't care about anything. I didn't want contact with anybody from the past at all..There was. only one that I really kept in contact with and I think it was because if I hadn't had some voice of reason, i probably would have self destructed. But even that contact was limited...
And my God right after the attack, I latched on like a leech to the worst set of hosts imaginable...I believe that I had some inner need to punish myself, because the people that I picked out to build relationships with, were just incapable of giving me anything at all in return... These were all relationships that were formed far away from the people I had known all my life, the people who had tried to be there for me when I was sexually assaulted... I couldn't deal with them, I couldn't look at anyone that I knew or associated with that "era" without being reminded of what happened, so I chose people who didn't know me and couldn't love me...Then when finally I was hurt untill the ends of my soul, that's when I just shut down every feeling and every capability of trust that I'd ever had.. That road has led me to having to fight really hard to feel once again...Its one of the hardest things imaginable...But Im making it, and now the bad days are still here, but they are far outweighed by the good...I'm proud of that, because its a battle I wouldn't wish on satan himself....Ok I"ve rambled enough for today, just felt like sharing